Customer services

Yeah, this is FDproducts. What the fuck do you want?

What?  No, of course we’re not going to exchange it. If it ripped when you tried to put it on, it’s your own fault, isn’t it, you fucking moron? You were probably putting it on wrong.

No, I do not want to hear how you put it on, you little pervert.  My day’s going quite badly enough without having to listen to a graphic description of some sweaty old balding guy trying to squeeze himself into a latex French maid outfit.

What?  Consumer rights? What fucking consumer rights?

Look, let’s get something straight, right?  You’re a submissive male, correct? Right.  And what am I?  That’s right. I’m a woman.  And women are…

‘Goddesses’, yeah, OK.  I was thinking of ‘the superior sex’ but that’ll do.  So does a sub talk to a goddess like that?

No he fucking does not – quite right.  So you can start speaking more respectfully, you little shit.

Well yes, as a matter of fact I do think you should apologise.  Down on your fucking knees!

And to show how sorry you are, I think we’ll have a financial penalty.  Let’s see – what’s the most expensive item on our web site… mahogany whipping bench with attachments. Right – you’re buying three of those.  Then maybe you can spend any money you have left paying someone to strap you over one of them and beat the crap out of you.

Yes, we do take Amex.  But you have to ask very, very politely.