If you are not fully satisfied...

Hi, is that Mr Williams?

Oh, good afternoon, Mr Williams.  My name’s Debbie.  I’m with Trading Standards.

No, nothing wrong at all.  Actually, I've got some quite good news for you. We’ve recently prosecuted a company called A.G. Trading for fraud and as part of the settlement, they are paying compensation to affected customers. You’re down as having purchased items regularly from them over the last three years or so, and so you’re due for a substantial payment.

A. G. Trading. No, I expect you won’t have heard of them, they operated lots of different front companies.  Let’s see… you’ve made purchases from, erm… “Mistress Alicia Amazon”, “Sheila’s Stinky Socks” and “Patricia the Piss Queen”, is that right?

No?  Oh.

Are you sure?  “Harold Williams, number 73 Park Road, Guildford”?  Credit card number 5847 624 – Oh, OK.  So that is you? Great.

Yes, it's easy to forget these things.

So, the fraud concerned a number of different product lines but all in the category of ‘used and worn items’, you see, Mr Williams.  Mostly lingerie, socks, shoes and boots – that kind of thing.  Tampons and sanitary towels too, but I don’t see any purchases like that on your record.

Anyway, the whole thing was a scam, I’m afraid.  The proprietor, Mr Patel, and his family mostly just wore the items themselves.  Some of them were shipped over from India – seems there’s quite a little business going on pre-soiling items for masturbatory purposes out there. There’s a whole village where it sounds like everyone’s walking around in lingerie and high heels just to get the smells in.  And I’m afraid the only person pissing in Patricia’s panties was Mr Patel’s cousin Rajesh.

Yes, it’s shocking isn’t it?  Mr Patel made over £20 million out of it, before we got involved – can you believe that?  All by exploiting lonely, desperate sad little men.

No offence.

Anyway, if I can just run through the purchases we’ve got here we can sort out your claim?

So: I’ve got nine pairs of worn panties, three of them pissed in, a pair of scuffed trainers, two pairs of boots, eleven pairs of socks, two bras and a sweat-stained top, is that right?  For a total expenditure of £3,540.  

Hmm?

No, you don’t have to produce the items, Mr Williams.  We have all the records here.  Anyway, some of these purchases go back over three years. I don’t suppose you’d have kept them around all this time, would you?  That would be -

Have you?  Gosh.

Erm… even the items from ‘Patricia the Piss Queen’…?

Wow.

Oh-kay!

Anyway, that’s not necessary, Mr Williams.  Actually, you should probably dispose of the items.  Especially those you ordered from, erm, ‘Patricia’.  Our colleagues in Health and Safety say they probably don’t meet EU hygiene standards.

Did you?  Oh, I voted Remain myself.  Still, EU or no EU, it’s probably not a good idea to keep that sort of thing around, Mr Williams. You might want to go for a health check.

Now, I’ll send you a claim form, and you just have to fill it in and send it straight back and we’ll arrange for your compensation, as son as we can.

Hmm?  Oh, it depends on how much is recovered by the auditors.  Should be at least a third of what you paid, though – over £1000, I expect!  Quite a nice little windfall, isn’t it?  You could go out and treat yourself to something nice, like…

...erm...

Erm… well, anything you like, really.   Not my business to ask!

Now, Mr Williams, is there anything you’d like to ask me?

I’m sorry, what’s that?

Erm… no, I’d rather not, if you don’t mind, Mr Williams.  I just... well, I just buy things for my own use then I wash them or throw them away, you know?  That’s what most people do.  Anyway, Trading Standards Officers aren't allowed to conduct private business, so...

No – no problem at all!  To be honest, you’re not the only person who’s asked since I started this assignment! 

No, I’m not going to tell you what colour they are, Mr Williams.  Goodbye now!

No, Mr Williams.  That’s private.  Goodbye, Mr Williams!

Eugh!

Eugh eugh EUGH!

Dave, can you do my next call?  I’ve got to go and wash my face.

And can we PLEASE swap? Honestly, I'd so much rather deal with VAT fraud. You wouldn't believe how much I'd like to deal with VAT fraud.