Prisencolinensinainciusol

As they say about President Knavs's husband's tweets: I think the title speaks for itself.

I understand more and more people these days are digging out cellar* conversions, creating lots of lovely extra space down there, far, far down beneath sound-proofed floors.

 *basement

They could go down to the cellar* and play with her toys.

* still 'basement'

I've got a special brown card - it's kind of the opposite of a loyalty scheme.  Hotels and airlines treat me like dirt wherever I go.

 I wrote a story about loyalty cards once.  That was when I wrote stories featuring the first domme I ever visited and her friend. They appear briefly in this one, under false names.  

But this was my favourite from back then.

I dunno. Feels a bit weird, trying on her dead dad's dresses.  Don't know why.

Apparently she does humiliation scenes too.  She just doesn't always know when she's doing one.

It's savage and it's cruel

And it shines like destruction.

Sometimes without even noticing they exist.

The previews of the show are incredibly positive.  "Massively talented", "Genius", "Art's new guru". She's certainly done something to impress the critics.

As I've mentioned before, I think men with an interest in maledom could learn a lot from a dominant woman with the right approach.

Tsk. That's no comfort.  They're usually so interested in each other, they might forget about me for days at a time.

I suppose the neck belt might interest someone.  And the very clean decor.

If you are not fully satisfied...

Hi, is that Mr Williams?

Oh, good afternoon, Mr Williams.  My name’s Debbie.  I’m with Trading Standards.

No, nothing wrong at all.  Actually, I've got some quite good news for you. We’ve recently prosecuted a company called A.G. Trading for fraud and as part of the settlement, they are paying compensation to affected customers. You’re down as having purchased items regularly from them over the last three years or so, and so you’re due for a substantial payment.

A. G. Trading. No, I expect you won’t have heard of them, they operated lots of different front companies.  Let’s see… you’ve made purchases from, erm… “Mistress Alicia Amazon”, “Sheila’s Stinky Socks” and “Patricia the Piss Queen”, is that right?

No?  Oh.

Are you sure?  “Harold Williams, number 73 Park Road, Guildford”?  Credit card number 5847 624 – Oh, OK.  So that is you? Great.

Yes, it's easy to forget these things.

So, the fraud concerned a number of different product lines but all in the category of ‘used and worn items’, you see, Mr Williams.  Mostly lingerie, socks, shoes and boots – that kind of thing.  Tampons and sanitary towels too, but I don’t see any purchases like that on your record.

Anyway, the whole thing was a scam, I’m afraid.  The proprietor, Mr Patel, and his family mostly just wore the items themselves.  Some of them were shipped over from India – seems there’s quite a little business going on pre-soiling items for masturbatory purposes out there. There’s a whole village where it sounds like everyone’s walking around in lingerie and high heels just to get the smells in.  And I’m afraid the only person pissing in Patricia’s panties was Mr Patel’s cousin Rajesh.

Yes, it’s shocking isn’t it?  Mr Patel made over £20 million out of it, before we got involved – can you believe that?  All by exploiting lonely, desperate sad little men.

No offence.

Anyway, if I can just run through the purchases we’ve got here we can sort out your claim?

So: I’ve got nine pairs of worn panties, three of them pissed in, a pair of scuffed trainers, two pairs of boots, eleven pairs of socks, two bras and a sweat-stained top, is that right?  For a total expenditure of £3,540.  

Hmm?

No, you don’t have to produce the items, Mr Williams.  We have all the records here.  Anyway, some of these purchases go back over three years. I don’t suppose you’d have kept them around all this time, would you?  That would be -

Have you?  Gosh.

Erm… even the items from ‘Patricia the Piss Queen’…?

Wow.

Oh-kay!

Anyway, that’s not necessary, Mr Williams.  Actually, you should probably dispose of the items.  Especially those you ordered from, erm, ‘Patricia’.  Our colleagues in Health and Safety say they probably don’t meet EU hygiene standards.

Did you?  Oh, I voted Remain myself.  Still, EU or no EU, it’s probably not a good idea to keep that sort of thing around, Mr Williams. You might want to go for a health check.

Now, I’ll send you a claim form, and you just have to fill it in and send it straight back and we’ll arrange for your compensation, as son as we can.

Hmm?  Oh, it depends on how much is recovered by the auditors.  Should be at least a third of what you paid, though – over £1000, I expect!  Quite a nice little windfall, isn’t it?  You could go out and treat yourself to something nice, like…

...erm...

Erm… well, anything you like, really.   Not my business to ask!

Now, Mr Williams, is there anything you’d like to ask me?

I’m sorry, what’s that?

Erm… no, I’d rather not, if you don’t mind, Mr Williams.  I just... well, I just buy things for my own use then I wash them or throw them away, you know?  That’s what most people do.  Anyway, Trading Standards Officers aren't allowed to conduct private business, so...

No – no problem at all!  To be honest, you’re not the only person who’s asked since I started this assignment! 

No, I’m not going to tell you what colour they are, Mr Williams.  Goodbye now!

No, Mr Williams.  That’s private.  Goodbye, Mr Williams!

Eugh!

Eugh eugh EUGH!

Dave, can you do my next call?  I’ve got to go and wash my face.

And can we PLEASE swap? Honestly, I'd so much rather deal with VAT fraud. You wouldn't believe how much I'd like to deal with VAT fraud.

I wanna

be her dog?

wagwagwag...

He'll be paying rent to her as well.  The monthly rate is a very reasonable "everything".

Mistress Akella, there, showing how patient dommes need to be at times.

Oh, I don't suppose Janice would mind.  She's very easygoing.  As long as you stay on the leash, you can pretty much do your own thing when she's not around. It's that kind of marriage.

In OWK, slaves aren't judged on whether they fail or succeed.  Just on how badly they fail.

She seems nice. Remember, though: it is very unprofessional to get involved romantically with your clients.  So don't even think about it.

Singularity

Back after a well-deserved miserable and brutal few weeks at the kennels, I find this blog has attracted over six million pageviews, since its launch in 2011.  What an extraordinary volume of smut, gibberish and unfunny jokes served up to perverted wankers with nothing better to do with their time, to be sure.  Makes you glad to be alive in this age of technological marvels.  

But I also learn that the best of our technological future is yet to come: my time machine has once again recorded a few TV news snippets from some unspecified future year.  For once, the images seem to form a coherent sequence (as coherent as anything on this blog, anyway) so read them in order.  Or just look at the pictures of pretty women and masturbate - whatever.

For a week or two...

... or maybe a bit longer.  Although She's back from holiday it seems She hasn't quite got round to picking Servitor up from the kennels yet, so here is one last round of holiday snaps.

If this is the last post ever on this blog, you can take it She decided to leave him there.  Or he died.  One or the other.  Plenty more like him anyway.

To make our dreams come true (14)

Last day of the holidays!  

To make our dreams come true (13)

Unlucky for some - but lucky for you, because there's extra today.