Friday, November 16, 2018

For who would bear the whips and scorns?

I once checked on a date-rating site after an evening with a very lovely lady and discovered she'd rated me lower than her vibrator.  Which I wouldn't mind so much, if that was the rating for sex but that was under 'personality'.

She's an expert negotiator.

Warning: the value of investment bankers can go down as well as up.

There's also 'maidspreading'.  That's when you stand with your legs held firmly apart with a spreader bar. It's usually a precursor to something rather painful.

You'd think they'd have guessed from the spreader gag.

Friday, November 9, 2018

You know I work all day to get you money to buy you things

... and it's worth it.

They still holiday in the same place, and go down to the lake to the pier and occasionally she pushes him in for old times' sake.  It's not always at the same time of year but it still has the same magic.  Last February the ice was so thick it didn't break when he fell on it - so much for global warming, huh?

Some men find it annoying and restrictive having to wear a shock collar, but really - it's ten minutes sitting plugged in by the wall most days... maybe 15 minutes at most after a lot of use?  Then you're fully charged and can get on with your life in whatever way takes her fancy.  It just takes a little planning that's all.

Many men get excited at the thought of watching passionate lesbian sex, but believe me after a few years you kinda start to feel a bit jealous?  Silly, I know...

Apparently she's having the schoolroom fitted out already.  If she's not even pregnant yet, I have to say that seems a little premature.

As I've always said: there's no job a woman can do that a man can't do too.  Just more slowly, not as well and with someone of a superior gender in charge to make sure he doesn't fuck it up.  Which, admittedly, doesn't work too well when flying a plane.  But Billy can have his dreams - then he'll grow up, meet a nice girl who'll sweep him off his feet and he'll settle down as a happy househusband, I expect.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018


Bliss.  Link is, just for once, actually to something femdom-themed rather than random British music.  Really , honestly.  No, it's not Rick Astley.  I promise.  Really - try it.  It's a very sweet and sexy thing.*

I tried one of those virtual girlfriend programmes.  Something went wrong, though - after the first time I'd tried it, every time I started it up, the computer would just crash and shut down.  I thought it must be a bug so I called the helpline but the lady there just laughed and said she thought there was nothing wrong with the software and she put the phone down on me and blocked my number.  Computer-generated personalities can be startlingly lifelike these days, don't you think?

Well, let's hope she doesn't just fall asleep as soon as she's had her orgasm, this time.

Actually, most of my clothes these days are washable latex anyway.  The blood just rinses right off, so no harm done.

Fortunately, when you get near your own neighbourhood most people will already know that.

Even Hollywood megastars have to pay for some things themselves, huh? Still... I expect she can afford it.

* PS You thought it was going to be Rick Astley, didn't you?  Don't you trust me?  Just admit it - you don't trust me, do you?  Trust's important in BDSM.  I'm hurt now... and not in a good way.

Friday, November 2, 2018


I'm sure he'd like to count the days.  Unfortunately, they keep the facility on a random sleep-eat-exercise-sleep cycle lasting anything from four to 48 hours, so he'll have no idea how much time has passed.  Which is just as well, because she's not actually going to be back in six months: that's just a little white lie to avoid hurting his feelings.

I had this idea because I'm going diving next week.  But don't worry - I'm not being fed to the sharks!  It's all very safe.  My SO and I are going with these two lesbian friends of hers, one of whom is going to be my 'dive buddy'.  It's her job to check my tank has enough air, as well as to ensure the proper amount of lead weights are securely attached around my belt, wrists, ankles and neck.  So, yeah: perfectly safe.

It's good to be a dog.

The pain from the spikes is all about her, too.

I made a similar point to my SO just the other day - wouldn't it be better some time if I felt sorry of my own accord, instead of her having to make me feel sorry?  But after quite a vigorous discussion, I realised what a bad idea it was.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018


Goodness, no. Once would quite enough - look at that horrible thing!  You know, I've been resisting my SO's demands to let Her act out Her castration fantasy for years but She just went on and on about it and I finally said yes.  But I was very firm. Once - just once, and then we're not going to hear anything more about it, OK? So... that's done.

Dog food looks awfully fatty but actually you can lose weight quite effectively on a diet of nothing else - particularly if you have difficulty keeping it down.

She's been showing her love for you with various men for a while now, actually.  This just makes it official.

She makes a very valid point, there. I think you might have to agree with her. Always.

And right now Mistress would like to get the clients safely locked away, take off that ridiculous and uncomfortable clothing and put her feet up with a mug of hot chocolate for an evening in front of the TV, thank you very much.  So in you go.

Friday, October 26, 2018


Submissive husbands sometimes don't realise how embarassing it must be for their partners to be married to such hopeless, pathetic losers.

She's definitely one of those teachers that students will remember all their lives.

Another lady who takes pride in her work.  They say pride is a sin but I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to include women.

As if she didn't have one packed for the honeymoon already.

Sure, no rush. Pain's pain, at any time.

Tuesday, October 23, 2018


They've all got it... oh never mind.

I get reward points for spending on my SubbieCard. Every time I reach a certain threshold - a multiple of £20, actually so it's almost every week - I get to drop into the bank and get slapped hard across the face.

I, on the other hand, fervently hope that she's going to behave exactly like this when we're married.

The time's not wasted when it's helping the marriage to work.

Goodness, that sounds quite scary. What a good thing there are so many competent women looking after it.

It's a jungle out there. Much better off safe and sound behind bars.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Heels over head in love

Like many submissive men, I pay not to have sex. 

At school, once, this boy and I were talking about some girl and he said "I'd like to get in her knickers!"  So when, a few weeks later, after a midnight excursion, I was able to tell him I was in her knickers, I thought he'd be jealous.  But he wasn't, oddly enough. It was just a misunderstanding.  How we laughed. The whole class laughed, if I remember rightly.

Benji is actually the Honourable Sir Benjamin Kettleworth-Harcourt, FRCS, but of course he can neither remember nor pronounce that.

Married couples should talk about their interests more.

How does she know I'm scrumptious?  I didn't detect a French accent, there.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

A pretty face may be enough to catch a man, but it takes character and good nature to hold him.

The title quote, of course, is from Sir Thomas More's Utopia.  But you knew that, right?  You're an educated, sophisticated man of the world, who knows that the capital of Gabon is Libreville, can calculate complex sums quickly and accurately and understands the main principles of the annealing process in glass manufacture.  You just pretend to be an ignorant schoolboy who doesn't even know that the capital of Australia is Sydney.*

Apparently, I have 'kick-me testicles'. I never even knew that was a thing, but there you go.

Actually, I get quite a lot of normal healthy sex in my current relationship - maybe a bit rough, but really just your basic penetrative sex, fellatio... that kind of thing.  Several of Her favourite boyfriends are bisexual, so I get a lot of action.  I have to say, I prefer perversion, on balance.

And 'cum-bucket' isn't even a word, so in a sense the question of spelling doesn't even arise.

Her bedroom wall is covered with hunting trophies.

It is, right? I mean, better than nothing. You're enjoying yourself, yeah?  I'm afraid this is the last caption today, so you'd better finish now.. that's right.  Up and down, up and down.  Tugtugtug? A bit more - there! Excellent.  And... just get the last out, there... great. See you on Friday!

* Yes, I know.  It's a joke.  If you don't get it, maybe it's my fault for being too obscure. Or if you're a humiliation slut**, maybe it's your fault for being such a moron, hmm? Too stupid to actually wank and think at the same time, are we? Gosh... a small cock and a tiny intellect - didn't exactly win the first prize in life, did you? Try one of those blogs featured on Tiresome Tropes, instead, lamebrain, maybe it's more your level.

** If you're not a humiliation slut, I don't recommend reading the rest of the comment above.