Tuesday, August 2, 2016

...and you can spend more time in the office!

Two short pieces about office life that were just too long to work as captions.


OK! Yeah! Great! Thanks, Mike. Now the prize for the idea that most contributed to the company’s success… well, we didn’t need to think too long about this one! I guess you all know the story? One of our biggest Chinese suppliers really screwed up and sent us three months supply of babywear in sizes, like, six or seven times too big? I don’t know what they were thinking – centimetres and inches? Even that doesn’t really do it. Do they have, like, six foot tall babies in China? Anyway, they went bankrupt so I guess no one will ever know.

So there we were, right? Three months stock – plastic pants, dresses, dummies, baby reins – and none of it was going to fit any baby that ever lived! But cometh the hour, cometh the man. One employee who heard about the trouble
- a guy who didn't even work in our babywear divison - sent an anonymous email to marketing with the idea that saved the company, right? And you all know what happened then.

And today our fetishwear division is the most profitable in the company! Yeah! Those humiliation freaks will pay any kind of margins we set for our stuff – they can’t get enough of it. Oh – and have I mentioned we’re about to launch a very exciting range of lockable sissy clothing?

OK. OK. Yeah! Great. OK, settle down because now I’ve got a surprise for you.

Our guys in IT have been working to trace that anonymous email. Because this company believes that great contributions need to be recognised – in public! – and rewarded. And, I guess, because we’d all love to hear how he even got the idea!

And he’s here today… so are you going to come up here and take a bow, Mr Anonymous? Or do I have to ‘out’ you, huh?

C'mon, don't be so modest! Take a bow and take the credit! You deserve it!

Mr 49 year-old Anonymous… from the Cleveland office… 

Conditions of service

OK, yeah, it is ‘that’ Mark Lewis. And listen, if you don’t want to work with him, I’d respect that. Especially after suffering all that sexual harassment in your last job – anyone would be angry with sexually predatory men after that.

But let me tell you a few things about Mark, OK – a few things other than that he stole all those panties from his co-workers and was caught masturbating into a shoe. First off, right, he’s a really great coder and the most painstaking worker in the division. He'll pull an all-nighter whenever needed, just checking through the code, without complaining. We need our products to be bug-free from the moment they go out the door, and it’s hard to find that kind of dedication.

Secondly, you know about the agreement he had to sign, right?

Yeah, sure, he’s wearing a steel tube. That's part of it. Everyone knows about that part. But do you know about the behavioural conditions?

Well, Mark has to demonstrate respect for his female co-workers in all his interactions. And it's up to them how they make him demonstrate that. So, for example, some of his co-workers make him stand to the side with his nose pressed up against a wall when they walk past, others make him apologise for being a pantie-stealing pervert at the start of every meeting – that kind of thing.

So as his new boss you’d –

What? Yeah, sure, anything you like, I guess. I mean, obviously if he really didn’t want to do it he could resign… but he’s 56 and all his healthcare and pension are here, you know, so… pretty much anything goes, I guess.

Do you need some time to think about it?

Of course, I should probably emphasise that you couldn't make him do anything actually illegal or hazardous to his health... I'll just make a note that we discussed that at this meeting, OK? But as long as that's understood, can I take it you’re on board to take on the role of his supervisor?

Great. I'll call him in to tell him the good news.

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