Sunday, January 19, 2020

Stunted little runt

OK, so the story is that the guy had won a chance to meet me – it was a charity thing I did, yeah?  Raised a lot of money. For, maybe, stray cats or something?  Or dogs, I don’t remember.  Maybe homeless people, come to think of it.

Anyway, I met the guy backstage at a convention like this one and… let’s just say he was the typical loser fanboy?  I mean, no offence to anyone here but you know the type, right?  Lanky hair, black t-shirt, scuzzy trainers.  He started out by saying he’d been hoping I’d be wearing the Wonder Woman outfit, which was kind of a bad sign from the beginning, you know?

And then he said ‘can you do a fight move’?  And I was, like, no way: that’s only on-set in carefully controlled conditions, with professional stunt-men.  But he started ducking and dancing about saying ‘I know stuntwork - fight me’ and… well, suddenly I saw he had this massive – actually not so massive but very prominent – bulge in his pants, you know?  The guy had a boner.  And I just reacted instinctively and I spun and kicked hard at the side of his head.

OK, he’d said he knew stunt work, right?  He'd said that.  When you’re taking a hit to the head, you lean with it.  Everyone knows that. Day one at stunt school - lean with the blow. But he leaned into it.  Got the full force of the kick right to the side of the head – blam!  I was a physical fitness instructor in the Israeli army, yeah?  I’ve got strong legs.

So… he’d wanted a fight move, I was doing a fight move. That spin and kick – it’s a two stage move.  A kick to the head, the stunt guy falls back and sideways, I finish the spin, shift the weight from one foot to the other and do the second kick which just misses his chin but with the right camera angle, the audience can’t see that. It's all one motion - has to be, or I'd fall over.  I need the second kick to balance up.  It's just reflex with me now, anyway.

So I came around and I guess I could somehow sense he wasn’t in the right place.  Totally not in the right place. He was reeling, staggering, whatever,and he was way too close.  But I had no time to think and the second kick went right in, and it was still on the upstroke, probably just at its most powerful moment, unfortunately, right up between his legs.  The force actually carried him off the ground… and he was kind of overweight, so there was a lot of power going in there.
Like I said, I’ve got strong legs.

And that was it… my people called an ambulance immediately, obviously.  He was quite lucky actually – he had a minor fracture to the skull from the first kick, but no permanent cranial or brain damage. That would have been really bad.  The second kick… yeah, well, that didn’t work out so well for him.

I’m actually sorry for the guy, yeah?  I really am.  I don’t mean I said sorry for what I did – that’s actually a different word in Hebrew, the difference is clearer.  Maybe I should say I don't 'apologise'?  Because everything was the guy’s own fault, right?   But he had a pretty sad life to begin with and now there’s… less in it.  So I feel kind of sorry about that.  Although I don’t think he was ever going to have much of a sex life anyway, if you know what I mean.

And we raised a lot of money for the stray cats.  I don’t know how much, but I heard it was a lot.  Or for the homeless people – whatever.

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