Sunday, February 28, 2016

Oscar night

Oh wow.  Hey... this is... this just so great.  Thank you.  Thank you so, so much.
Listen – I just want to say a word or two about my very good friend Mark, OK?

I think you know who I mean.  I know he didn’t direct this movie. Fact is, he hasn’t directed any movie since that unfortunate incident of masturbating into some of the female extras' shoes on that last movie of his.  That was a bad time for him.

But listen – Mark isn’t a quitter. No way.  And he loves this business.  Sure, he couldn’t get any directing or writing jobs any more.  But he came to us and he begged for some work on this movie – any work. He was on his knees in front of me and Brad, crying his eyes out and kissing the ground.  That’s how passionate he is about movies.

So we took pity and gave him a job as a laundry boy.  Just for the clothes.  Not the shoes. We made that very clear.  You see, some of the shoes in the movie were really valuable – Louboutin - you know?  And the costumist was really worried about them with Mark around.  Semen can damage fine leather quite badly, apparently.  So we were all talking about it, and saying maybe we should get a lockable cupboard or something, when Brad said “Why not lock his cock away instead?”.

And you know – when we told him that was a condition of his staying on the picture crew, Mark didn’t hesitate. He wore a chastity belt for five months, right through the hot summer months. Why?  OK, because he was desperate.  But also because he’s a true professional.

And I just want to say that that same professionalism shone through everything he did.  The chorus girls’ sweaty leotards, the stuntmen’s grimy overalls, even Brad’s favourite socks came back clean and pressed every day without fail. One time, I had such a heavy period and we only had one spare of the white shorts I had to wear for the scene we were shooting? Well, every time they got stained, Mark would take them off and hand-wash them and dry them carefully with a blow dryer, in time for me to change and just keep on filming.  Didn’t I tell you he isn't a quitter!

Yeah!  That’s right!  Give it up for Mark!  We love you Mark!
And he’s here tonight!  Can we get a spotlight on that table there? No – the next along...there! 

Hey Mark!

So, yeah, Mark – I know you didn’t want any kind of fuss made.  But all the other stars who’ve made speeches have thanked all the people who played really important roles in the movie.  So I thought maybe I’d use my time to thank you instead.  And I know just how to do it.

You ladies, there on the table with Mark?  Yeah – you three beautiful ladies!  I want you to stand up on the table in front of him.  Yeah, that’s right.  ON the table.  Careful how you get up there. And one by one – I want you to let him sniff your shoes, nice and slow.

Oooh – Jimmy Choo! Mark’s in luck.

Go on Mark. You know you want to.  You deserve it. I got my Oscar, and you get your reward too, compadre! Good job. 

Let’s hear it for Mark!

Hey – have we got time to get him up here for a speech too?  If we’re quick?  OK!

Mark – c’mon up here!  We want to hear from you!
Oh - he's shy.  C'mon guys, slow clap. We can get him up here.
Mark. Mark.  MARK.  MARK. MARK. MARK.
Actually, I almost never watch the Academy Awards. I find it rather offensive, the way some of the stars they celebrate are men. And even in the awards for actresses, I find they often single out people other than Anne to win.  There's just no need for that, in my view and I wish they wouldn't do it.


  1. Great story. I so want to be humbled by her in front of everyone like that. Mark is so lucky.

    1. Oh, he worked for it. You can't just become a Hollywod laundry boy, you know. You have to work your way up, doing less glamorous tasks for a few years and hoping for the big break.