Tuesday, July 31, 2012

An interview with Servitor

Responding to popular request from absolutely no one, the reclusive author of this blog has decided to reveal some of the secrets of his art, by being interviewed.  Our celebrity guest interviewer today is Mistress Whippenham, a highly experienced pro-am domination expert, normally based in Ilfracombe in Devon, South-West England, but today here in the blog room as a figment of Servitor’s imagination.  I’m sure you’re all keen to know everything about Contemplating the Divine and its author, so here we go.

Mistress Whippenham

Servitor (kneeling): Mistress Whippenham, it’s a great pleasure and an honour to have you with us today.  I don’t know whether you are a regular reader of the blog, but I hope that after today you might become so.  I am of course ready to answer any questions you might have for me.

Mistress Whippenham: Oh shut up, servitor, you snivelling little worm.  Fetch me a drink.

Servitor fetches her a drink, hands it to her and kneels back before her.

Servitor: Thank you for letting me serve you, Mistress.  Now, turning to the interview –

Mistress Whippenham (sharply): I thought I told you to shut up, didn’t I servitor?  I’m not accustomed to being disobeyed, or to having to repeat myself.

Servitor (uncertainly): But Mistress, the interview –

Mistress Whippenham: Right.  Gag.  NOW, worm!

What are you looking at, you little pervert?  How dare you!

Servitor reluctantly puts on a ball gag, and gently bows for Mistress Whippenham to tighten the strap at the back.  She does so, and also takes the opportunity to fit a leather hood over his head.

Mistress Whippenham: Much better.  Right then, let’s get on with the interview.  Where are those questions?

Servitor silently (obviously) hands her a piece of paper.

Mistress Whippenham (reading): Where do you get the ideas for your amusing captions?

Servitor: Nnnng mmmmpppphh grrrnnntnnnt, Mmmmmtttttthhh.

Mistress Whippenham: Uh huh.  And what software do you use to make them?

Servitor: Wnnnnggg, mmmnnggnnnh ng nggggnnnn hnnmmmrrrrrnnnt ngt hnnngggnng ng mmmmbbt nnnghhhmmmnnth.

Mistress Whippenham: Whatever.  Not like anyone gives a fuck.  What sources do you use for the vanilla photos?  Don’t take long answering, boy.

Servitor: Nngggnnnh mmmthhheeeernnnh, cnnngthrnnngttth  hhhnnnggthg.  MMmmmngth.

Mistress Whippenham: Right.  And, it says here, when did the obsession with Anne Hath – oh I’m not reading this shit, servitor. It’s as dull as everything else on this stupid pervy little wank-fest you call a blog.  No one’s interested in you, and I’m certainly not.  Apologise to the readers for wasting their time!  NOW!

Servitor:  Nnnnggg mnnnnhhheee nnnngggeee ngh mannnngggtthhhng mmmmnnnggggnnth.

Mistress Whippenham: That’s better.  Ridiculous little man.  Now fuck off.
Servitor fucks off.
Servitor trying to fuck off but failing to find the door.

Wasn’t that great? If you have any more questions for Servitor, please write each one out 400 times by hand, and send it to Mistress Whippenham somewhere in Ilfracombe, or better yet just throw it away.

NB, Servitor will be enjoying a holiday - regrettably not in the flood-drenched Devonshire dungeons of Mistress Whippenham - for the next three weeks.  Posts will continue, aided by the magic of blogger's "scheduling" but comments won't be answered for quite a while.