Saturday, July 12, 2014

And - which is more - you'll be a man, my son

Ah– it’s Jenkins, isn’t it?

Oh don’t look so alarmed, boy. For once, you’re not here to be beaten. You are here for careers advice, as you will shortly be leaving our school.

Now, as you know, Jenkins, we at Thrashington Hall believe strongly in the old-fashioned school values.The eight years of misery and brutality you have so reluctantly endured here did have a purpose.Our system of rote learning, accompanied by twice-daily cold showers, strict masturbation control and frequent brutal floggings, was expressly designed by our founder, Constance Thrashington, to build character - so you can venture out into the adult world with a sound moral foundation and a solid and traditional educational background.

I hope you realise that this makes you very unusual among boys of your age?  In the modern world, this sort of education is increasingly rare.  When you leave these gates, you will be one of the very few young men more familiar with counting strokes of the cane than with differential calculus, capable of writing the same line for hours without a break, but not of writing anything of your own creation, more familiar with the tawse than you are with a computer mouse. There's not many young men today that have the self-control needed to remain perfectly in position, while enduring a brutal flogging across their bare buttocks, and then the presence of mind politely to offer thanks for the agonies they have suffered.  You have learned to respect your betters, to do as you are told and to fear retribution at all times.

Unfortunately, we’re beginning to realise this doesn’t really work, especially in the modern world.

The eighteen year-old boys we turn out are quite incapable of the sort of creative thought needed in modern business, lack any self-confidence or independent drive and find it impossible to build relationships with women.Your employment prospects are appalling – with luck, you’ll find some minimum wage menial job that can provide you with enough money to eke out a miserable existence in some squalid bed-sit. Many of our graduates become road-sweepers.  Street begging is another popular career choice.  Some of the more talented manage to secure jobs as burger-flippers, but unless you're lucky enough to have an authoritarian female boss, you probably won't be able to concentrate long enough to do a job as complicated as that.

I expect you'll spend your evenings in sad, lonely masturbation – your sexual urges are probably perverted and anyway, you don’t know how to relate to women because you have only experienced them as disciplinarians.  Not much of a life - rather a shame really after enduring such brutal, sexless and miserable teenage years.

Sorry about that.

Anyway– dismissed!  I’ll see you at the graduation ceremony tomorrow. Send in Knightly, please.


The lady in the picture is the delightful, scary and astonishingly beautiful Lady Sophia Black.  I have had the immense privilege of being beaten, derided and ignored by her in the past, and I hope very soon to experience that unpleasant delight again.


  1. That or a Conservative MP or maybe even a Prime Minister.


  2. And yet, I'd still like to enroll there...can you get me an application for their adult learning program?