Sunday, July 19, 2015

Legal niceties



Well, I don’t know which out-of-date law books you’ve been reading, Mr Harris, but as your attorney I have to inform you that you are labouring under a complete misapprehension.  There hasn’t been ‘alimony’ for over ten years, now.  There’s no question of your retaining any money, once you’re no longer married!  Your joint bank account will be closed so of course any income you receive will be paid into hers, for a period of time of not less than eight years.
What?  Division between the parties?  What are you talking about? In a lesbian marriage sure, there's a need to split the property. But there's only one female party in this case, so of course everything goes to her. 
No – the only question for the judge is whether you’ll be sufficiently self-motivated to continue to work hard under these arrangements, or whether she should be given possession of you for a period of time to ensure collection.

Hmmm?  Well, yes of course that would be slavery Mr Harris.  What else did you expect?


Now… your wife’s lawyers are insisting on 25 years slavery with full punitive rights as a non-negotiable item in the settlement.  But that’s probably just a tactic.  If we offer – say – ten years in her service, with whipping rights but no branding, we’d probably get into a negotiation and with a bit of luck you’ll be out of chains in, oh, fifteen years at the most, without too much damage.

Hmmm.  Oh dear.  Except we have Judge Elliott.  She’s not usually very favourable to men.  How do you feel about offering your wife castration rights?  That could sway things quite a bit.  We can try for a guarantee of anesthetic, if you’re squeamish.
My fees, Mr Harris? Oh don't worry about that.  The question of legal fees won't even arise until you've completed your period of servitude to her.  Then the accumulated sum and interest is converted to a simple annual payment, with a court-appointed overseer given whipping rights to ensure collection.  But my fees will be quite light - don't worry.  Of course, you'll have to pay her lawyers too.  But in any case, that's at least fifteen years away, so I wouldn't worry about it now.
Now... your wife's likely to want to put you over the witness bench and have you cross-examined.  So the court can determine how badly you've behaved to her.  So, let's make a list of all the ways you have wronged her over the years.  Selfishness, harsh words, betrayal, unkind thoughts about her... that kind of thing.  It's best to be as honest as possible with me at this stage, as it will all come out in court, anyway.  Opposing counsel can be very persuasive and they can keep you strapped there over the witness bench as long as they like.

What's that, Mr Harris?  Have I ever been through a divorce?  What a peculiar question to ask your lawyer.  Yes, I have as a matter of fact.  Twice, actually.  So I suppose I do know a bit about what you're going through. 
Hmmm?  Yes, I suppose my ex-husbands do know all about it too!  I don't know much about what they thought of it, though.  I don't really speak to them very often.  And of course, they're not allowed to speak without my permission or in response to a specific order, so we don't talk much.
No, they're not here.  I don't keep them in the office.  The man scrubbing the floor you probably saw on the way in belongs to Julie, my secretary. I handled the case for her, actually.  Believe me - you do not want to end up like him!  We ended up setting a legal precedent there - he'd only been married six months but she got him for twenty-seven years!   Quite a triumph. But I'm on your side in this one - so you've really nothing to worry about.  Have you?
As you might have realised, the part of the helpful divorce lawyer in this tale was played by the glorious Eleise de Lacy.  Yeay! 


  1. You don't often have such a kind lady.

    1. No indeed. I can't afford it, for one thing.

  2. Absolutely fabulous and so erotically one sided.

  3. Fairness is a much over-rated virtue. When my SO and I play chess, she has two queens and I have none, just as it should be.