Friday, February 28, 2020

Fair maidens, faint hearts

I find it's always easier to tell the truth. The aftermath is sometimes extremely difficult.

I have my pride.  At least, I did. Hang's got to be here somewhere.

By a curious coincidence, I got the cattle prod for 'last night' the very second day of my marriage.

I get quite excited about this sort of thing.

I heard Jason was having an operation so I sent flowers and my best wishes for a full recovery.  Well, you never know, he might.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

An orderly marriage

Without question.

Good. Can't wait for my consciousness to be raised.

10 is the new 8?  You know, just the other week my SO was caning me and I thought we'd finished but she announced that 12 was the new 6!  I don't know... when I learnt maths in school it all seemed a lot simpler than that. You just held your hand out and counted until she was finished.

Actually, the vicar turned up on time and I have to say: he was quite cross to see what was happening on top of his altar!  So that was a bit embarassing, but the rest of the wedding day passed off smoothly.  The night didn't go so well, unfortunately, but thank goodness Sven was there too or I think things would really have been difficult.

If I manage to find a copy of the video, I'll share it with you. I've never actually posted a funny cat video - must be the only blog on the Internet not to have done so. 

Saturday, February 22, 2020

Shattered ever after

“My other daughter, Cinderella”, the merchant gabbled, bowing low to the Prince and his party. A haughty young blonde strode into the room, sat down in the armchair and crossed her booted legs.  She stared with contempt at her father and step-sisters, huddled together against the back wall.  

"Well?" she demanded.  "Get on with your chores" and she watched them scurry from the room, stammering their apologies.

The Prince sank to his knees before her.  “May I?” he murmured, reaching out with a trembling hand.  She nodded curtly and the Prince slowly unzipped her boot with his right hand, cradling the heel in his left. A moist, warm miasma emerged as the loosened boot was gently lifted free.

“Sorry about the smell.  Been on my feet all day”, Cinderella explained.

“It’s, erm… it’s no problem at all.” gasped the Prince.   “You know, Lord Chamberlain, I think we don’t even need to try the slipper.  This is obviously the right pair of… pair of feet.” and he moved closer, his face hovering just above the damp, stockinged foot. 

“Oh yes.  Yes: these are the feet.”

“Are you sure, your Majesty?” the Chamberlain replied.  “They look a little on the large side to -”

“Well then the slipper must have shrunk!” snapped the prince, not taking his eyes from the foot he held so gently.

“Shrunk, Sire?” the Chamberlain replied, one eyebrow raised.  “The glass slipper?”

The Prince turned on him in fury.  “How dare you question your Prince!  Arrest this man!  I shall decide what to do with him later.”

“Perhaps a few years in the salt mines?” Cinderella suggested. “With hard labour? I’ve heard that can be quite effective.”

The Prince looked up into her blue eyes in shock.  “That’s quite a harsh, erm... well, for a man in his age and condition… I think…” he tailed off, noting a distinct pout coming over the lovely features above him.

“Quite right, my dear, of course.” he continued.  “As you wish.”

Her restored smile seemed to light up the room.  “And we won’t be needing that silly thing” she added, indicating the glass slipper with an elegant finger.  The finger pointed towards a spot on the floor, where the Prince placed it. 

Stand back", she instructed.  And down came Cinderella’s other, still-booted, foot shattering the slipper into ten thousand iridescent shards.

"Oh dear" she smiled.  "So now I suppose whoever's foot fits into that gets to be Queen?", and the Prince raised the boot he was holding in shaking hands towards her gracefully-pointed toes.

And it was a perfect fit.